"I have come that they might have life, and have life more abundantly"
- Jesus (John 10:10)
When I started this blog years ago, I was in search of the abundant life. I guess you could say I've been in search of it most of my life. Every year on my birthday, I'd beg God for something more in my life. I could see no fruit developing, I couldn't see or hear God speaking to me and guiding me (most of the time), yet I refused to give up on the promises I'd read about in the Bible. Maybe if I just DID something more, I'd change. I tried to do better, so that maybe God would love me more. To be honest, I'd never done anything hugely "wrong" in comparison to others. But with every little slip up, I felt more and more condemned. I "re-dedicated my life to Christ" over and over again, each time pledging to stay more focused on Him and be more obedient. We all fall short, don't we? Kind of like Martin Luther, I was constantly punishing myself and making myself more and more miserable.
About three years ago I finally got really desperate. I was failing, or at least I felt like a failure. I still hadn't accomplished anything for God, I was pregnant with my second, and felt totally overwhelmed just trying to care for my first. I remember the day well - I was cleaning our French press and dropped it on the floor. As I knelt down to search for all the broken pieces, I prayed something like this: "God, I'm still not doing this Christian life right! I want to be closer to you! Please change me! Do whatever it takes!" Little did I know that the answer to my prayer would come with a much deeper breaking, a breaking of my heart. The child I was carrying, baby Hope, had a serious condition and I would not be able to keep her.
What I'm here to tell you today, is that although I would never choose to lose a child, God used the broken pieces of my heart from what I went through with Hope, to bring healing in ways I didn't even know I needed healing. He answered the cry of my heart, to be used by God and to be closer to Him, by allowing me to experience the power of his transforming love in my life.
Jesus truly heals all. I am praying that my message of hope will be just what even one person needs today. That is enough for me.