The Lord answered the desperate cry of my heart - for more of him - and I found to my delight that He wants me even more than I want him! How is that even possible?? He's been waiting at the door of my heart this whole time, excited to spend time with me and share his thoughts with me.
My 30th birthday was this month. I'm so excited to share with you that I was happier than I've ever been on my birthday. For the first time in years, I didn't dread my birthday either - I looked forward to it and seeing more promises from the Lord unfold. I don't know why it takes so long for him to answer some prayers. But I do know that it is worth the wait. When he does answer, it's as if the bad stuff in between the asking and the delivering never even happened! There is so much joy, you forget about the sorrow in your past once he's healed you of it. The Lord showed me that he doesn't look at our years without him as a waste. Once he saves us, he redeems everything - yes, even our mistakes! - and uses them for his glory.
The reason I was unable to "accomplish anything for God"? Have you ever heard of deliverance ministry or inner healing? There's this idea that when we are saved, Holy Spirit comes in, but kind of like a hose with a kink in it, is unable to flow properly through us while we are holding unforgiveness or other hurts inside. This “kink” can keep us from accessing the power to live a supernatural and abundant life. Until recently I had no clue how many hurts I needed healing from. I may not have made many outward "mistakes," but Jesus says that it's what's in our hearts that really matters, and my heart needed some serious cleaning!
So that's what I want to begin to share with you now, my journey of healing and growth in the Lord. On my birthday, I felt I had already received so many gifts from the Lord, and my heart was so full, that I really didn't need or want anything else. There are so many blessings, that I really don't know where to start! I already mentioned the loss of my baby Hope, who was stillborn at 30 weeks. I also lost another baby girl, Lyla, at 8 weeks. Well, the Lord completely healed me of grief! He also healed my thyroid, which was swollen and huge after the birth of my son, took away the lump on it, and healed me of stomachaches I've had since childhood. Nightmares and other PTSD symptoms disappeared! He even swept away the hurt I had been experiencing since nightmares from 5 years of age! To top all of this off, He gave me the vacation I had been dreaming of - a trip to the beach, and our first vacation since our oldest was born. During our stay there, my rainbow baby turned one. And then, right after we got back, I was baptized!
I'd gotten baptized when I was thirteen for all the wrong reasons. I thought it was something I had to do or would not make it into heaven. I thought God was waiting to get angry with me if I made any wrong choices. But you know, I've learned so much since then. This time, I wanted to get baptized because the King of heaven wants me! I am in a love relationship with him! Any works that I do must flow out of this relationship or they are worth nothing! When you fall in love with Jesus, you can't help but want to do whatever he asks you to! So that baptism, and this post, is my declaration: God, my Father, will do everything to win my heart and I love him back!
(Title quote from “Control” by Tenth Avenue North)