The "labor pains" for my next breakthrough were coming fast and thick now. One day I'd be fine, the next day knocked down again. Each time I wasn't sure I could take one step forward. Would I be able to keep getting up? The lab reports for my pregnancy and thyroid weren't what I wanted. I didn't want to go back to the specialist for extra ultrasounds. I was ready to get back "double for my trouble." This is what the Lord has promised me. What the enemy stole, he must repay. I wanted (what I thought was) the perfect pregnancy; I wanted others to see that I wasn't foolish for continuing to completely trust the Lord to turn things around for me. Little did I know that the change I needed was within me. God truly knows what we need. I felt the Lord wanted me to give him this baby. Now I know he has promised my healing - and my husband's - to come with this pregnancy. But much like Abraham, I felt I was to offer her to God as a sacrifice. Now I know what this world can do to babies. I had already lost one little girl. But holding onto anything prevents the Lord from being able to act in our lives. To provide the very protection that I longed for. I had to give her up first. I didn't know how. So I said the words. I asked the Lord to help me.
Pentacost Sunday came. There was an altar call. Immediately I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me forward. I saw oil being tipped over and pouring over my entire body from head to toe. This was what I had been waiting for. To move forward into the new, to have more of the Lord, meant to give more of myself. He can only fill what we can first empty of ourselves. Or rather, what we allow him to remove from our hearts. It's the dross. That painful refiner's fire. I had been through it with only one focus in mind: Do whatever it takes Lord, I HAVE to have more of you!
I went forward and began to sing and praise Him like never before. I've never been one to make a scene, but this was all about me and Jesus. If I was to go up there, it was to give all that I could give in worship to Him, the one who is worthy. He met me there with a tangible presence. He was smiling and I sensed laughing. Then He said, "come dance with me!" I got up and let out a battle cry roar which I felt like the enemy had been trying to silence me from doing for a very long time. In my whole life I have never felt that it was ok to be loud. But that yell brought the walls down. Something changed in me through this experience with the Lord. My life will never be the same. I felt a little self-conscious until I saw and felt the results of my sacrifice. After all, David had danced before the Lord in his underwear! So what did it really matter what I looked like?
I began to discuss with the Lord how I knew I was changed, but I didn't know how to go to my ultrasound appointment at the specialist without any fear. I had been pleading the blood of Jesus over each one in my family every morning and night. Jesus spoke to me gently and said, "What is the difference between a child in the womb and a child out of the womb? Is one any less covered by the blood? Or does my blood have the power to protect both, equally as well?"
There is none Lord, I said. You know the pain and trauma in my heart. Please help me tomorrow. And please, could you have them not put me in the room with the iris picture? (this is my heaven baby, Hope's, middle name and the room we were in for each of my son's numerous ultrasounds.)
Early in the morning I awoke and began to get ready. Everything went very smoothly. They took us back to a different room with a picture of a rose! (my oldest's middle name). I felt angels all around. Then suddenly, there was my baby! And it was like I was seeing a baby in my womb for the first time . . . I cried, but these were tears of joy. I was mesmerized by this little person who was doing flips and all kinds of performances for us. It was truly a miracle. I learned that I did not need man's approval to have a worry free, stress free pregnancy. I don't need all the papers to come out just right, all the numbers perfectly and for someone to say, ok now all you need is one ultrasound. HE said it. HE said this will be a supernatural pregnancy and delivery and that it would bring healing for me and my family. Thank you Jesus!!!
Trust Jesus. He knows what is best for you. He won't give you what you want if it's not good for you or you are not ready for it yet. His plans are higher and bigger than anything we can imagine!